Christmas Eve 2009
i am just an old woman
grappling with self-awareness
as pathetic as J. Alfred Prufrock
as clownish as one of the Stooges
as vapid as daytime tv
how did I let this happen?
i turned in circles
and let the years rush by
stupidly reassuring myself:
there is always time
there is always time
but until some brilliant physicist
has cracked the code of time
it is linear
it is one-way
it is old photos fading because
of their obsolete technology
it is recordings in my head
of the voices I’ll never hear again
my dad, my sister, my grandparents,
Aunt Tammie, Aunt Tantie, Aunt Neno,
Uncle Dunk, Uncle James, Uncle JD,
Uncle George, Uncle Herbert, Uncle Charlie,
Aunt Patsy, Uncle Herbert, Woodie, Aunt Margaret,
Charlene, Cindy, Mimi, Trudi, Becky
people I loved
and people who did not hear that enough from me
and how about the ones who broke my heart?
i don’t blame them – I know I was the schmuck
i loved too much, too much
it just makes that bitterness I must swallow
bigger bigger
i am just an old woman
gazing backwards over the rubble
paralyzed by the truth
stunned by my own mediocrity
